Some days, I just got it. I’ve got it all figured out, I’ve got it all under control. Life is good. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I’m at. Nothing can stop, deter, or convince me to stray off this path. I’m getting closer & closer every day to where I want to be, to what I’m working towards. Keep going, Marissa. You got this.

Other days, I’m lost. I feel like I’m drowning. All those old feelings I thought I was over resurface, over the spilt coffee on my jeans. Over hitting my thigh on the corner of my bed, over forgetting to put my work clothes in the dryer 10 minutes before I have to leave. I can’t do anything right. Where has the excitement in my life gone? I feel like I have no purpose. Why am I feeling so low for no reason? I can’t live like this anymore.

I don’t know about you, but I have a very drastic way of thinking, of feeling. I guess you can say I’ve always felt in extremes. I’ve been extremely disappointed, and extremely hurt many times throughout my life. I’m not one to hold a grudge, and I’ve forgiven myself & those who have taken pieces of me wholeheartedly. I’ve moved on. I’m happy with my life & the people in it. But those other days, I can still feel the mark you left. The pain you left me with. How could you do that? I’ll never be the same. These feelings will never go away. But when I say I forgive you, I promise I do. You could never have that much power over me as to control the most valuable years of my life. As to flood my youth with the worst feelings of resentment. No, no, I’m past that. I used to let you dictate my every move, to let every long pointless day waste away the same way you did, because it was comfortable for me. It was easy. But I’ve grown. I only feel like I’m sinking into the earth once a month now. maybe twice. But that’s okay, and I’ll allow myself this time. This time to reflect & feel the worst and the best parts of me. To feel everything that has ever gone wrong and all the pain I’ve ever felt flow through my veins as if with this one last tear it could all just wash away forever. And all that hurt and all that pain would leave me for good. But then I think to myself- do I really want to lose this pain? The only thing I have left of you? One of the biggest parts of who I am? In fact, I think I’ll keep it. Forever. because this pain is mine. This pain drives me to create a life so beautiful for myself that not even you could take away.

So on those other days, when I feel broken, helpless and weak, do not feel sorry for me. Do not pity me. Celebrate me. And my capability to allow the most human pieces of me flow through the most fragile parts of my body without breaking me. Without consuming me. Without defining me.

“It is when I struggle that I strengthen. It is when challenged to my core that I learn the depth of who I am.” -Steve Maraboli