Don’t get me wrong, my grandparents adopting me at the age of 9 was the best thing that ever happened to me. But, sometimes, I can’t help but wonder. What if you would’ve stayed? Where would we be living right now? On the beach? How close would we be? How proud of me would you be if you knew what I’ve overcome? I think you would see yourself within me. I carry your kind delicate heart in my chest. I wear your wild free spirit on my shoulders. But the one thing I have that you don’t, is strength.

“Why are you writing that funny name on your paper?”

Fourth graders are mean.

I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? My mommy doesn’t want me anymore? Transitioning from heading all of my papers in school from “Marissa Rudt” to “Marissa Derylak” at that young of an age was a really big change. It was tough. I felt like I was changing my identity. Personally, I think Derylak suits me well.

You changed a lot for me. I wouldn’t say ruined because I would not be half the woman I am today if it weren’t for you. Some days, I feel like I forgive you. This life can really take a toll on you. Other days, I blame all of my problems on you. You made it hard to trust. You made it hard to communicate. You made it hard to love. Although you were not the best role model, I can’t blame you forever.

I think one of these days, I just might be able to forgive you wholeheartedly. Forgive you for making me feel as if I wasn’t enough. As if I wasn’t worth fighting for. As if there were some other person on this earth who could even begin to compare to me and all the love I have to give. You are, and always will be my mother. You lost the privilege of being my mom when you walked out of that door. My condolences for your loss.

So I would like to thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart before any boy got the chance to. No breakup could ever compare to the ending of the relationship I thought we had. Thank you for teaching me to never beg for someone to stay. If somebody really wanted to stay, they would. If you aren’t willing to fully commit to being a part of my life, you can watch me thrive from the sidelines. Thank you for teaching me compassion, empathy, tenderness, warmth, and strength. Strength to carry an infinite amount of love, fearless of it ever going to waste. Thank you for your lessons.

All experiences are opportunities for me to learn and grow. I release the need to blame anyone, including myself. We are all doing the best we can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness we have. Learn to master the art of forgiveness. Everybody is fighting a battle. If we choose to see through eyes of compassion and understanding, we can gently and lovingly shape our world and our experiences. When we create tranquility in our minds and hearts, we will find it in our lives. The inner creates the outer. Always.

The only person in charge of you and how you feel is you. Never put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket. Free yourself and everyone in your life from old past hurts. Once you do this, you free yourself, and the people who hurt you to move into new, glorious experiences.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares The Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11